Soapbox Commentary: The Top Ten Worst Films of 2017

 As I said in my previous list, 2017 was the best year for movies in well over a decade. So, when the year was on, it was on like the proverbial “Donkey Kong”. However, when the year missed, it was a spectacular train wreck where the fucking trains were on fire going 88 MPH with no brakes before the collision.

Because this is another of my Top 10 lists, I have to add the same disclaimer as I did on the last one. If you don't see a movie on here you thought should be on here, it's because:

A. I didn't have time to see it (I saw more films this year than I did last year, but, still...your typical published movie critic still doesn't see every movie in the theater, so I can't be expected to either).

Or...

B. You and I may have vastly different tastes in movies, and you should check out my Top 10 Best Movies list.

Take a deep breath, have a strong drink, and take solace you weren't the only one who sat through these pieces of shit. Have courage, friends, and read on!

HONORARY MENTION: PHANTOM THREAD

Honestly, I debated keeping this off the list entirely, if only because this film was so incomprehensible, I couldn't even write a fucking review for this movie. But, if Avatar taught us anything, it's that a movie could look beautiful and still be a piece of shit. Phantom Thread definitely falls into this category. I love Paul Thomas Anderson's work, but what the hell was he thinking with this? Movies about genius typically come off as arrogant allegories of the writer or director's own genius, and it's hard for me to think of this movie as anything more than that.

#10: CALL ME BY YOUR NAME

That's right. Boo! Hiss! Scandal! Foul! Oh grow a pair and shut the hell up!

Let's face it: if this film had been about an older man and younger woman, this film would not have even made it into theaters. Just because it's about gay romance doesn't mean it can get away with being disgusting and unromantic. Between underage lovers and a scene involving masturbating into a peach (I only wish I was kidding about that), Call Me By Your Name is not just the most overrated movie of the year, but one of the most disturbing as well.

#9: ATOMIC BLONDE

If Wonder Woman taught us anything this year, it's that, just because the film has a female protagonist, doesn't mean the film can be subpar. Sure, Atomic Blonde had some interesting moment, but the overly complicated plot and the entirely unnecessary, damn-near pornographic sex scenes makes this a ridiculous film.

#8: DETROIT

If you're going to make a political movie aimed to stir emotions and demand social justice, you damn well better make sure your movie paints the picture solidly and clearly takes a stance. Detroit does neither. Going on more speculation than fact, and misusing the majority of its cast, Detroit was a complete failure.

#7: ALIEN: COVENANT

When Star Wars failed to maintain its good name, George Lucas relinquished the franchise to Disney. So, the big question is: when is Ridley Scott going to do the the same thing? Alien: Covenant had one job to do: be better than Prometheus. And it couldn't even do that. Pathetic.

#6: KING ARTHUR: THE LEGEND OF THE SWORD

When Disney put out their live-action King Arthur over a decade ago, I thought no film about the legendary king could suck that bad. Oh, how naive I was. Guy Ritchie's King Arthur: Legend of the Sword is such a cataclysmic clusterfuck, I have no idea how the hell this was even made. I'm just praying that this curse doesn't hit the new Robin Hood film.

#5: THE MUMMY (2017)

Unlike most critics, I actually enjoyed the first two-thirds of The Mummy. I thought Tom Cruise was a completely capable sleezeball hero, Russell Crowe was mysterious and creepy as Dr. Jekyll, and the whole Prodigium thing was intriguing. In fact, all they needed to do was stick the finale, and cinematic gold would have been forged. Unfortunately, the film broke both legs upon impact and somehow simultaneously fell into a wood chipper.

#4: UNFORGETTABLE (2017)

Like The Mummy, everything hinged upon the ending. And what an ending it could have been! All the ducks were in a row, and all the film needed to do was pull the trigger. But the studio's clear obsession with giving the movie a happy ending ruined Unforgettable's chances of being anything more than...well, forgettable.

#3: INGRID GOES WEST

What?!? Another critical darling on this list?!? Boo! Hiss! Controversy! Oh, fuck off!

Ingrid Goes West makes a grievous mistake in making a film about a woman with a clear mental illness a comedy – and it's not even a reasonable facsimile of comedy. The sooner filmmakers realize mental illness is not something to laugh at, the better films will be.

#2: JUSTICE LEAGUE

Perhaps it's a bit mean to kick a film while it's down, but Justice League deserves every ounce of ridicule.

While I understand it's far too lofty of a request to make the films as good as any Marvel Studios film, and it's not as easy to demand the films be as good Wonder Woman was, but DC has a lot to answer for with this film. Spending far too much time with a Flash that's not Grant Gustin a Aquaman who feels more like Aquabro rather than the established characters we actually give two shits about, Justice League had no regard for its fans, and tried far too hard to be Marvel on this film. In fact, this film would have been the first on the list, if it weren't for...

#1. THE SPACE BETWEEN US

Do you remember this film even came out in 2017? Don't worry, because, given the fact it made only made $7 million worldwide, apparently no one else did either.

The Space Between Us was supposed to come out December of 2016, but, because audiences were so lukewarm towards it, the studio thought it would be better served to release it in February of 2017...you know, when Get Out was released. Oops.

This film attempted to be a total package film, combining romance, drama, comedy, and sci-fi. Unfortunately, it delivers on none of these fronts. I have no idea who this film was made for, but clearly no one can answer that question.

Soapbox Commentary: The Top 10 Best Films of 2017

 While 2016 had some pretty decent movies, 2017 was easily the best cinematic year in well over a decade. This past year had so many total package films, it's hard to list them all. And yet, somehow, we're here.

Typically, the standard disclaimer goes like this: If you don't find your favorite film (or the typical critical darling) on here, it's probably because:

A. I didn't have time to see it (I saw more films this year than I did last year, but, still...your typical published movie critic still doesn't see every movie in the theater, so I can't be expected to either).

Or...

B. You and I may have vastly different tastes in movies, and you should check out my Top 10 Worst Movies list.

But, in years such as 2017, I have to add a third disclaimer:

C. Even though the film was probably amazing (like so many fucking movies were this year, as it would seem), I only have so many spots on the list to fill.

Because so many of films this year were amazing, I'm biting the bullet and doing some honorary mentions as well.

HONORARAY MENTION #5: COCO

While Inside Out is probably Pixar's finest film in its illustrious career, Coco easily a close second. Not only is it the most culturally diverse film, but it revels in Latino culture we have only seen one other movie (and let's face it: you probably didn't see The Book of Life). With solid songs, an amazing story, and an ending that had to have been co-written by a Kleenex shareholder, Coco was one of the greatest spectacles last year.

HONORARAY MENTION #4: A CURE FOR WELLNESS

2017 was quite the year for genre films, and A Cure For Wellness is easily one of the best we've seen in over a decade. With a stellar performance from Dane DeHaan (who is also in the criminally underrated Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets), wickedly creepy writing, and enough phobia-inducing effects to make the most stoic man cringe, A Cure For Wellness is a horror fan's delight.

HONORARAY MENTION #3: THE POST

When Steven Spielberg is on, the results are usually electrifying, and this film was no exception. Amazing performances from Meryl Streep and Tom Hanks, and a story that feels like a superhero movie for people who don't like superhero movies, it was easily the best movie about a newspaper since Spotlight.

HONORARAY MENTION #2: LOGAN

Holy shit. If all comic book movies were this profound and compelling, we would see more of them be nominated at the Oscars. Hugh Jackman and Patrick Stewart's swan song performances certainly make this one for the books, and director James Mangold proves he can do any genre of films he so chooses.

HONORARAY MENTION #1: DUNKIRK

Christopher Nolan knows how to make a great film. Period. So, was it ever a question that Dunkirk was going to be less than amazing? Stunning cinematography, wonderful performances, and some of the best sound editing of any film this year only prove this is one of the finest films of 2017.

Okay, so now I've doled out the consolation prizes, on to the list you actually wanted to see when you clicked the link:

#10: GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 2

So, comic book movies get no love during awards season. I know, I bitch about this all the time. But, after seeing Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, what the fuck does a comic movie need to do to get some awards love? While the typical Marvel accouterments are here, it's the script alone that earns this film a spot on this list.

#9: WIND RIVER

Diversity was the name of the game in 2017, and Wind River, a film steeped in Native American culture, somehow went grossly unnoticed. A shame, since this was a powerhouse of a film. With excellent performances by Jeremy Renner and Elizabeth Olson, and a thrilling detective story that concludes like no film typically dares to, this is one film you should be ashamed you missed.

#8: LADY BIRD

Coming-of-age stories get churned out almost as often as a teenager's voice cracks in the onset of puberty, and, because of this, most come across as the same shit over and over again. But then, there's Lady Bird. As unpredictable and emotionally accurate as most of these films...well, aren't, Lady Bird certainly breaks the mold and will hopefully set the bar higher for films of this ilk in the future.

#7: IT (2017)

Almost as clockwork as coming-of-age stories out of Hollywood are Stephen King adaptations. But It doesn't just knock it out of the park, but levels the fucking park entirely. This films is not just scary, but hilarious and heart-warming as well. There is no horror film that is the total package like this. And of course, Bill Skarsgaard makes a terrifying Pennywise.

#6: GET OUT

Horror films had a stellar year in 2017, but Get Out stands above the rest. Jordan Peele adds humor into the mix (he did, after all, get his start doing a show for Comedy Central), but don't let that fool you. This psychological horror is mesmerizing and gut-wrenching to equal degrees.

#5: COLOSSAL

When I think of a total package movie, Colossal almost comes to mind every time. Equal parts comedy, drama, and monster movie, Colossal defines unique in all the best ways. Anne Hathaway and Jason Sudeikis are at the top of their games, and the premise is one you are unlikely to see again.

#4: THE BIG SICK

When comedians opt to due a personal project, the results are often interesting. Much like Amy Schumer's Trainwreck in 2015, The Big Sick tells the story of Kumail Nanjiani and Emily V. Gordon (who co-wrote the script together) of their bizarre courtship and bonding while Emily slips into a coma and Kumail is forced to awkwardly hang out with her parents. As touching and heart-wrenching as it is hilarious, The Big Sick is easily one of the best comedies of 2017.

#3: THREE BILLBOARDS OUTSIDE EBBING, MISSOURI

Writer/director Martin McDonough has always done solid work, and Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri is yet another notch in his filmography. Trading Tarantinoesque violence for relevant plot points and stark drama, McDonough's film is possibly his finest work to date, and certainly his more memorable.

#2: BRIGSBY BEAR

The penultimate best film of 2017 is undoubtedly one you never heard of before reading this list. Unless you've heard me talking about it many times over the course of the latter months if the year, Brigsby Bear was more than likely not even a minor blip on your cinematic radar. And this is perhaps the saddest fact of all. Combining the surreal and heart-warming nature of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and the bizarre family drama of Room, Brigsby Bear will have you gripping your sides and wiping your tears almost simultaneously, and, honestly, would've made the top spot if it weren't for...

#1: THE SHAPE OF WATER

Not since Pan's Labyrinth has Guillermo Del Toro been on his game with such beauty and grace. Nearly half the film is silent, half the film is Doug Jones in a fish costume. The Shape of Water is a complete package, filled with action, drama, comedy, romance, and a musical number that comes completely out of fucking nowhere, but makes the film complete in such an inexplicable way, it's hard to pinpoint. If you haven't seen this film, you have no idea what you're missing.