Soapbox Commentary: The Top Ten Worst Films of 2017

 As I said in my previous list, 2017 was the best year for movies in well over a decade. So, when the year was on, it was on like the proverbial “Donkey Kong”. However, when the year missed, it was a spectacular train wreck where the fucking trains were on fire going 88 MPH with no brakes before the collision.

Because this is another of my Top 10 lists, I have to add the same disclaimer as I did on the last one. If you don't see a movie on here you thought should be on here, it's because:

A. I didn't have time to see it (I saw more films this year than I did last year, but, still...your typical published movie critic still doesn't see every movie in the theater, so I can't be expected to either).

Or...

B. You and I may have vastly different tastes in movies, and you should check out my Top 10 Best Movies list.

Take a deep breath, have a strong drink, and take solace you weren't the only one who sat through these pieces of shit. Have courage, friends, and read on!

HONORARY MENTION: PHANTOM THREAD

Honestly, I debated keeping this off the list entirely, if only because this film was so incomprehensible, I couldn't even write a fucking review for this movie. But, if Avatar taught us anything, it's that a movie could look beautiful and still be a piece of shit. Phantom Thread definitely falls into this category. I love Paul Thomas Anderson's work, but what the hell was he thinking with this? Movies about genius typically come off as arrogant allegories of the writer or director's own genius, and it's hard for me to think of this movie as anything more than that.

#10: CALL ME BY YOUR NAME

That's right. Boo! Hiss! Scandal! Foul! Oh grow a pair and shut the hell up!

Let's face it: if this film had been about an older man and younger woman, this film would not have even made it into theaters. Just because it's about gay romance doesn't mean it can get away with being disgusting and unromantic. Between underage lovers and a scene involving masturbating into a peach (I only wish I was kidding about that), Call Me By Your Name is not just the most overrated movie of the year, but one of the most disturbing as well.

#9: ATOMIC BLONDE

If Wonder Woman taught us anything this year, it's that, just because the film has a female protagonist, doesn't mean the film can be subpar. Sure, Atomic Blonde had some interesting moment, but the overly complicated plot and the entirely unnecessary, damn-near pornographic sex scenes makes this a ridiculous film.

#8: DETROIT

If you're going to make a political movie aimed to stir emotions and demand social justice, you damn well better make sure your movie paints the picture solidly and clearly takes a stance. Detroit does neither. Going on more speculation than fact, and misusing the majority of its cast, Detroit was a complete failure.

#7: ALIEN: COVENANT

When Star Wars failed to maintain its good name, George Lucas relinquished the franchise to Disney. So, the big question is: when is Ridley Scott going to do the the same thing? Alien: Covenant had one job to do: be better than Prometheus. And it couldn't even do that. Pathetic.

#6: KING ARTHUR: THE LEGEND OF THE SWORD

When Disney put out their live-action King Arthur over a decade ago, I thought no film about the legendary king could suck that bad. Oh, how naive I was. Guy Ritchie's King Arthur: Legend of the Sword is such a cataclysmic clusterfuck, I have no idea how the hell this was even made. I'm just praying that this curse doesn't hit the new Robin Hood film.

#5: THE MUMMY (2017)

Unlike most critics, I actually enjoyed the first two-thirds of The Mummy. I thought Tom Cruise was a completely capable sleezeball hero, Russell Crowe was mysterious and creepy as Dr. Jekyll, and the whole Prodigium thing was intriguing. In fact, all they needed to do was stick the finale, and cinematic gold would have been forged. Unfortunately, the film broke both legs upon impact and somehow simultaneously fell into a wood chipper.

#4: UNFORGETTABLE (2017)

Like The Mummy, everything hinged upon the ending. And what an ending it could have been! All the ducks were in a row, and all the film needed to do was pull the trigger. But the studio's clear obsession with giving the movie a happy ending ruined Unforgettable's chances of being anything more than...well, forgettable.

#3: INGRID GOES WEST

What?!? Another critical darling on this list?!? Boo! Hiss! Controversy! Oh, fuck off!

Ingrid Goes West makes a grievous mistake in making a film about a woman with a clear mental illness a comedy – and it's not even a reasonable facsimile of comedy. The sooner filmmakers realize mental illness is not something to laugh at, the better films will be.

#2: JUSTICE LEAGUE

Perhaps it's a bit mean to kick a film while it's down, but Justice League deserves every ounce of ridicule.

While I understand it's far too lofty of a request to make the films as good as any Marvel Studios film, and it's not as easy to demand the films be as good Wonder Woman was, but DC has a lot to answer for with this film. Spending far too much time with a Flash that's not Grant Gustin a Aquaman who feels more like Aquabro rather than the established characters we actually give two shits about, Justice League had no regard for its fans, and tried far too hard to be Marvel on this film. In fact, this film would have been the first on the list, if it weren't for...

#1. THE SPACE BETWEEN US

Do you remember this film even came out in 2017? Don't worry, because, given the fact it made only made $7 million worldwide, apparently no one else did either.

The Space Between Us was supposed to come out December of 2016, but, because audiences were so lukewarm towards it, the studio thought it would be better served to release it in February of 2017...you know, when Get Out was released. Oops.

This film attempted to be a total package film, combining romance, drama, comedy, and sci-fi. Unfortunately, it delivers on none of these fronts. I have no idea who this film was made for, but clearly no one can answer that question.